The Definitive Guide to Wizards in the NBA

It seems prudent that I should make a distinction between the post which you are about to read and my previous exploration of NBA wizardry. The difference is acute: that post was just about Harry Potter wizard stuff. This post is about all kinds of effin’ wizards! Abracadabra!

Wizards exist, whether you’d care to admit it or not. They distinguish themselves from mankind through their grace, effervescence, cool names, physical appearance, general uncanniness, and dribbling ability.

As it happens, most of earth’s wizards have determined to spend their lives playing professional basketball. (And soccer, actually, but this post will focus solely on Wizards of the Court.)

Important note: Shaq, despite playing a wizard in the movie Kazaam, is NOT a wizard. That was just a kids movie. Shaq is an oaf, and mythologically speaking much closer to an ogre.


Not a real wizard (more like an ogre)

Without further ado, here’s a random list of/definitive guide to the wizards in the NBA! Abracadabra!!!!


Elfrid Payton

Hell yeah! Leading us off is rookie point guard Elfrid Payton. “Now, Jon,” you may be asking, “Are you really putting Elfrid Payton first in your list? Nobody knows who he is!”

That’s a fair point, but here’s why Elfrid is the NBA’s #1 magical dude: He has an amazing wizard name. He has amazing wizard hair. And he plays for the Orlando Magic. BOOM. ABRACADABRA!!!!!

Fictional Wizard Comparison: Ertai, Wizard Adept


Everybody shut up.


Kevin Garnett

Kevin Garnett is like eight feet tall and less than one foot wide, which is a classic wizard physique. He has eight elbows and they’re all sharper than shark teeth. And who else but a wizard could transform from a Timberwolf into a Druid into a Net? His catchphrase is screaming “Anything is possible!”

Fictional Wizard Comparison: Saruman


Similar in shape and personality.


Zach Randolph

Another large wizard, Z-Bo dominates the league without being able to jump even one inch off the ground. Confundus! His powerfully round body recalls the faces and limbs of forgotten gods.

Fictional Wizard Comparison: Buu


Please don’t tell Zach about this blog.


Nene Hilario

Another profoundly dope wizard name, Nene Hilario also plays for a team called the Wizards. He has a long ponytail and is despised in his native Brazil, which doesn’t hurt his case, either, I guess.

Fictional Wizard Comparison: Kingsley Shacklebolt



NBA: Cleveland Cavaliers at Philadelphia 76ers

Zydrunas Ilgauskas

The wizard known as Big Z is so-called because reciting his full name invokes a 12-foot set shot to rain down upon the head of its utterer. He is 7’3, and you might well mistake him for the world’s tallest guy who looks like he should be sweeping the porch in front of a shop in Russia, but you’d be wrong. He’s a basketball wizard.

Fictional Wizard Comparison: The Broom from The Sorcerer’s Apprentice


Sweep on, Big Z!


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