The Definitive Sorting of NBA Players into Hogwarts Houses

It stands to reason that if NBA players attended Harry Potter-alma mater Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, they would be sorted by a talking hat into one of the school’s four esteemed houses: Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin.

Carmelo dons the Sorting Hat

Carmelo dons the Sorting Hat

I gazed into my Pensieve or whatever to determine where the Sorting Hat might place, or “draft,” some ballers from around the league. Here’s what I saw:

Stephen Curry… Gryffindor!

Screen shot 2014-12-26 at 3.35.11 PM

You might belong in Gryffindor,
Where dwell the brave at heart,
Their daring, nerve and chivalry
Set Gryffindors apart

The Warriors guard is a perfect fit for House Gryffindor, which values bravery and latent Christian fundamentalism. Curry, a rail-thin, pure shooting, MVP candidate who once declared, “I can do all things through Christ,” has both qualities in spades. He would play Seeker on the Gryffindor Quidditch team.

Other notable NBA Gryffindors: Kevin Durant, Damian Lillard, John Wall, Mark Jackson

Joakim Noah… Hufflepuff!

Screen shot 2014-12-26 at 3.44.26 PM

You might belong in Hufflepuff,
Where they are just and loyal,
Those patient Hufflepuffs are true,
And unafraid of toil

Eccentric Bulls big man Joakim Noah is a surefire lock for House Hufflepuff, which advocates camaraderie, loyalty, and legalizing marijuana for recreational use. Noah has embraced his adopted city of Chicago—his Noah’s Arc Foundation works toward peace in the inner-city—and he sometimes tweets about Rastafarianism. He would play Keeper on the Quidditch team.

Other notable NBA Hufflepuffs: Magic Johnson, Robin Lopez, Brook Lopez, Phil Jackson

Shane Battier… Ravenclaw!

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Or yet in wise old Ravenclaw,
If you’ve a ready mind,
Where those of wit and learning,
Will always find their kind.

Though retired from professional basketball, Shane Battier remains the league’s consummate Ravenclaw, a house regarded for its cold, calculating intelligence. The former Dukie is a noted brainiac—he even has a subscription to Laptop magazine. Shane would probably receive an early acceptance letter to Ravenclaw. He would play Beater on their Quidditch team.

Other notable NBA Ravenclaws: Tim Duncan, Pau Gasol, Chris Bosh, Grant Hill, Matt Bonner, Dr. J, Daryl Morey (GM)

Dwyane Wade… Slytherin!

Screen shot 2014-12-26 at 4.50.57 PM

Or perhaps in Slytherin,
You’ll make your real friends,
Those cunning folk use any means,
To achieve their ends.

Dirty, conniving, gifted Dwyane Wade is such a fuckin’ Slytherin it’s crazy. The Heat guard is rumored to have colluded with LeBron and Chris Bosh to form their Super Team in Miami; he was once fined $5,000 for flopping; he has a penchant for kicking dudes in the dick. House Slytherin would welcome him with unhinged jaws. Dwyane would be play Chaser on the Quidditch team.

Other notable NBA Slytherins: Kevin Garnett, Reggie Evans, Kobe Bryant, Dwight Howard, James Posey—always and forever


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