DIY Spooky Tombstones

Growing up, my father’s annual refusal to string up Christmas lights on the roof was a family tradition not unlike the holiday itself. My sister and I would approach in late fall, huddled together like Dickensian orphans. We would plead and prod and flatter, all the while feeling for an unlatched window that might allow us to slip unnoticed into the basement of his psyche. Dad would smile and say no almost immediately.

In his defense, he is Jewish, afraid of heights, and terribly lazy. After the first few seasons of rebuff, my sister, mother, and I began to take our pent-up festiveness out on Halloween by means of decorating the front yard.

Our greatest triumph was hanging from an elm tree a fake man made out of a very 90s purple and green tracksuit stuffed with dead leaves. He hung unmoving, facing a relatively busy street, for what now seems like six months. His head was the jacket’s hood bunched up around a basketball. I do wonder what the neighbors thought of that pitiful lynched abomination.

Providing ambiance and a feeling of inclusivity for the dead jogger were various other flimsy, kitschy, and gimcrack Halloween decorations. Pumpkins carved with a heavy emphasis on the upside-down triangle. More cobwebs than exist in all the world’s crawlspaces.

The best of the bunch were our homemade tombstones, wrought from grey construction paper and Sharpie-engraved with the hilarious names of the departed. An honest to God actual example:

Here Lies
N. O. Good

N. O. Good, that old bastard. Everybody is glad you died!

I thought it would be fun to come up with some new tombstone inscriptions. I solicited my friend Sam to help with the project. Feel free to use these in your own yards, but only if you turn a tree or telephone pole into your own personal gallows. Our inscriptions are fucking stupid, by the way, so be warned all ye who gaze upon them. Without further ado:

GONE TOO SOON
HELENA HANDBASKET

DEARLY DEPARTED
SEYMOUR WURMS

HE DIED IN HIS SLEEP
BARRY D’ALIVE

HE DIED HOW HE LIVED
RAY ZINHELL

A MYSTERY IN LIFE AND DEATH
IDA NOE

HE LIVED LIFE TO THE FULLEST
IRA GRETNÜTHING

HIS CONGREGATION WAS A CONFLAGRATION
REV. EURINGENS

RIP
MIKA DAVER

RIPE
AVA CADDO

RIPD
STARRING RYAN REYNOLDS

HE ALWAYS GOT IT STARTED
WILL.I.AM DEAD

MAULED BY HIS OWN MAMA
LL GHOUL J

HE RETURNS TO THE BOTTOM
DR. AKE

CHARACTERS WELCOME
ROY ULPAINS

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s